Family, I want a baby

I want a baby. I must be getting to that point in my life where I feel my biological clock ticking because I’ll be scrolling through Instagram, see a picture of the cutest baby ever and send it to Nick with something along the lines of “This is my baby. I want it.” Forget baby hungry, I’m baby starving. Who knew it would happen when I was 22. Anyways, Nick and I were talking the other night and my spiritual progression came up. I mean how I behave. I was proudly stating to Nick that I had already finished our lesson preparation for this Sunday (5 days before our lesson) and was pointing out how I had been telling people to pray to receive answers and even suggesting to Nick that we go to the temple. Now it’s not that I am not religious; I am just a lot more private about it than other people. But lately, Nick has been pointing out that I am more vocal and forthcoming about it. Which makes me proud of myself. I think it means I’m maturing or more comfortable with myself or something. Anyway, Nick started laughing at me as I am pointing out all my religious moments over the past couple weeks and told me to not be too proud. Of course, being the typical girl/wife that I am I got defensive and launched into how being good gets me what I want. And I want a baby. I explained to him that if I am really really good I’ll get one (I realize this sounds extremely spoiled but if you think about it, it makes sense. It’s the basis of what every little kid is taught from the moment they can understand what is going on. People work hard at work to make money, get their dream job, pretty much everything. Why couldn’t it work with a baby?) He didn’t understand so I set about explaining. I told him about how two weeks before I met him two years ago I made a conscious change in my thinking and behavior to become more invested in church and to focus on making myself a better person. I was never a bad person. But I was 19 and I was more focused on making friends and going out than I was on having a calling or focusing on others. Well, Nick was my reward. And it was awesome. We dated for four months and I was more in tune with the Spirit in those months than I had been the entire time I was at BYU so far. After four months, Heavenly Father decided to see how dedicated I was to this decision to be better in my life and Nick dumped me. I’m not denying it. Nick dumped me. And I did not see it coming. Well I decided that I would be fine and instead of going off the deep end and going out every night or worse staying home eating ice cream until I was too roly-poly to get to church, I threw myself into my ward activities. I wasn’t going to risk going backwards and starting all over again. I wanted to continue forward. Within weeks of Nick and I breaking up, I was called to be Relief Society teacher in my ward. It was the most fun I’d ever had in a singles ward. I met a whole bunch of girls I had lived next to for two years that I had never taken the time to get to know. I actually became friends with my bishop (a thought that had previously been extremely daunting…I don’t know why) and I was feeling great about myself. I was a totally better person and I grew a lot. And I enjoyed the whole process. It was awesome. And because I was so good, Nick came groveling back four months later. And he loved me all over again and the rest is history (WE GOT MARRIED!!! YAY US!!!)

After I finished this little heated speech to Nick, he smiled at me. Having said most of it in one breath I was still trying to breathe. I asked him why he was smiling. He told me I had just shared my testimony in a way. I didn’t understand but when I think about it for a minute I guess he is right. I had faith that if I was true to my beliefs and if I tried harder that I would be blessed. I had faith in Heavenly Father that He would provide the things I needed and wanted. I didn’t have major trials. Mine were trivial compared to what a lot of people have to endure. But at the time they seemed hard. And I am better because of them. My good thoughts and actions turned into habits and I love them. So right now I am trying to be super good because… babies: going to the temple, praying more (because honestly I forget sometimes), being more on top of my calling, being a better wife and friend, that sort of thing. Baby steps, but that’s ok. Change takes time.”

Love, 

Ali